I honestly don't know where to start. I guess the beginning would help. All I wanted was one drama free year. Each year that I've been in college, I've had sucky roommates, terrible sleeping habits, and my mental instability. I haven't really wanted to do much of anything except sleep and sometimes eat. I have felt terrible about everything about myself. I'm currently in a relatively good mood which is the best time to write about this stuff. I'm honestly starting to both love and hate living with my current roommates and living in my own room. I've realized that I'm using all of my money to pay for food, so I need a hobby that can substitute for that, so I'm going to trick myself into saving and spending. I just need an account that I have no control over. But, I know I can't let my family have any access to that account because the minute they do, they'll spend it. I think every time I want to spend money on food I'll send that amount to Norkah. That's honestly the best idea I've ever had, I need to buy more water though because I'm out and I need that water to distract me from my want to eat. This is the biggest breakthrough I've ever had. I hope to God I remember it. I just want to skip the next couple of weeks and go straight to my next semester.
So, update: I lied. next year is apparently going to be my kickoff to my new chapter. IT'S NOT MY RESOLUTION!! I don't believe in resolutions, they don't work and I'm not participating in them. 2025 is my year to reinvent myself. I am going to fix all of the things I don't like about myself and I intend to spite my doctors. I know that's not ideal, but if it helps, then so be it. I also met with my proedge advisor and she helped clear up a lot of the stresses that I've had. I'm moving to East Hall after Winter Break which is amazing and I'm so excited. Ive been in a little of a debate with myself. I can't decide if I want to work this break or not. If I work, I'll have to use a big chunk of my money to get to and fro from work to home and vice versa. I also don't want my parents and sisters to be inconvenienced my lack of a car. If I don't work, I can relax and sleep. I honestly don't know why I'm even debating this, the obvious answer is to not work. But, I know if I don't work, I don't have money, but let's be honest, that money would be too tempting to use while I'm in school, I'll just wait until semester and I'll save at least a small sum of money. I can spend $100 from my check, no questions, but the rest of my money goes into savings and I don't touch it. If I do, then I will receive a punishment. I will outline my punishments depending on what I spend my savings money on. The worst thing is if I spend it on food that I don't need. I can only spend that savings money if I dying. I know this seems extreme, but if I don't say it like this, I won't take myself seriously. I want to change for the year that I graduate and turn 21. I don't want them to be small changes either, I want them to be small yet life changing. Honestly, even though my finals are this week, I have never felt calmer. Next semester, I officially only have classes on Tuesday. For my online classes, it will depend on when my assignments are due that I'll actually have class. I'm hoping to spread it out. I want to be able to relax this semester as much as I can muster.
In other news, I'm pretty sure I have a crush on someone which is concerning. I won't mention her by name, just in case she wants to read this because I'll want to share it with her. She's my friend and yet I really like her. I can't tell if I like her as a friend or as more. I also have no idea if I should tell her or not. If I tell her, I might ruin the one friendship this semester that hasn't made me feel like this semester was a total bust. If I don't tell her, will these feelings ever go away. The only other time that I've felt like this was Nalani and I broke my own heart. I've finally started to get over her and this new girl has been an amazing addition in my life. She's been a rock in my life and she's been someone that I've been able to talk to without judgement. With most of my other friends, I'm either on eggshells or I feel like I'm never being completely honest. I also can't tell if I like her as a friend or as more. When it came to Nalani, that was complicated and unnerving. I always went back and forth if I liked her as more. Both Nalani and this new girl are into girls, so I didn't have to worry about liking a straight girl. This new girl, it feels like I'm being sent mixed signals. Sometimes it feels like I know she's flirting, so I want to tell her I like her and then other times, it feels like I'm just a friend to her. I want this girl in my life for a long time and I don't want some crush to ruin my new friendship with her. I also don't want to wait too long and all she'll see me as is a friend. I'm confused as hell and have no idea what to do. I smile when I text her, I'm both anxious yet excited when I'm about to see her. It sounds cliche and cringy, but I have butterflies in my stomach. I've checked the time so often and looked for her so much while sitting today, that I feel almost like a stalker. When I like a guy, I never get this way. I usually automatically know or think they are unattainable or they just won't like me, so I give up before I even properly start to like them. With girls, I never know what their thinking and if they like me or not. I know this new crush likes me, I just don't know in what way. I'm seeing her today, and the only thing I can think of doing is confessing to her and possibly ruining my friendship. Maybe I should test the waters. Start out with a hypothetical and then flirt. Or at least try to flirt. I'm only good at flirting when I'm texting. In person, I'm introverted and usually keep my thought to myself unless I know the person. And even then that's a coin flip.
In other news, I'm both looking forward to going home and yet not looking forward to it at all. I get to be away from my roommates on one hand. On the other hand, my family can be a lot and everyone's there, so there's some issue with that. I'll probably end up splitting my time in half. Half of it at home and the other half in school. I don't know which half will be spent where, but I think that's how I'll keep my sanity. I'm also not wanting to get a job because I know the minute my check hits, I'll have my family asking me for money. I don't want that to happen. I'd rather be broke than have to share my money. That sounds horrible and selfish, but my money has never just been mine. It's always someone else's. I want that to change. I want to be able to say no to someone and stay firm on it.
Anyway, I'll post here at least more often than I have, even if it's just a sentence.
Signing Off
Lizzie
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