Never-mind, Life Sucks

    I guess I'll start at the start of Friday. My teacher, emailed me to tell me that because of a few minuscule assignments, I may not get a C in his class which bullshit, it's the minimum and I've done most if not all of what he's asked of me. In Capstone, he gave me a rotten score for my presentation just because what I didn't do 15 minutes of talking about my project. I answered the most questions and was first. I hate him and his classes. I'll probably have to take another class to make sure I can graduate on time and for what because he couldn't structure his class properly. I don't expect to be coddled, but those free-writes and the reading responses were crap and unimportant when I have everything going on this semester. I've been overwhelmed and tired. All I wanted was one semester where I wasn't trying to kill everyone and everything in sight. That obviously hasn't happened since I've wanted screamed at just about everyone in my head (of course) to keep myself somewhat sane before I could go home to an apartment filled with roommates who suck. On top of this, a crush on someone I'm not even sure likes me as more than a friend. Crushes really do crush you. My mother thinks I'm off because apparently me liking to be broke isn't normal and she's right it isn't. But, how can I like having money when everyone seems to keep asking me for money. I don't think it's selfish to want to put myself first every now and again. Generally, I never really put myself first unless I'm broke or it means money isn't involved. When I have money, I usually spend it on food or something equivalent to useless. I never save because of this. When I do save, suddenly people (specifically my family), can feel that I have money I'm trying to save and they ask and ask. Once I give them some of the money that I have, then it feels like everything is an emergency. So, food calls my name and I start spending it on food that I don't need. Starting next year, however, changes need to happen. I know I say this all of the time, but my friend will be helping me to go on a calorie deficit. I don't give a shit if this helps me lost weight, I just want to spite my doctors and be able to look myself in the mirror and say I'm doing the best that I can. I'll keep this quiet until I feel I won't go on a bender, which is mostly wishful thinking. I'm giving myself until January 1st to enjoy all pleasures and then I'm done. I'll be watching what I eat and how much I eat. I won't be going over my calorie limit and if I feel that I'm hungry in the middle of the night, I'll drink water. Over break, I'm getting myself used to drinking water as my first source of beverage, so that I'm not going full cold turkey. My last post was really long, so I'll keep this one brief. 

Signing Off

Lizzie