Life is Lifeing

    It's been a looong few days. I just want to sleep forever right now. I've been wrapping presents and at first I was okay with it because I was successful the first time and now I'm tired. I've been binging on Gossip Girl and I've fallen in love with the show while also hating the show. I can't love just one or more characters because overall they all suck. There is so much drama within one episode that I can't even. Right now I'm in season 4 and it's so dramatic. I've been cooped up in my home for far too long. I'm driving myself insane in here. If anyone other than me reads this, please get me out of this house, away from these people. I've ordered a ton of things from Amazon and have decided to finally take action in my life. I think I may even be ready to give an old flame a chance. I know I might get my heart broken, but I think I'll be okay, eventually. I have a great support system and God is a part of that system. I know I may say this a ton, but I'm ready to commit my life to him. For the first time since I've said that, I mean it. God is my teacher and I am forever going to be his student. I'm so excited for this upcoming year. I can't wait to change everything for the good. I have two great mentors, I'm moving and graduating. I have a plan that starts next week. In January, I plan to start my weight-loss journey. I know it sounds like a resolution, BUT it's not. It's my new lifestyle, and for a new lifestyle, it'll need money to afford it and I don't go back to my on-campus job until January. So, that's the only reason, I'm stalling my new cleanse. Discipline is going to be the hardest thing I'll do this upcoming year. This blog has become my new favorite thing to do. When I need to think things through, I blog, when I'm irritated and angry, I blog, when I'm happy and upbeat, I blog. Blogging is going to be my new therapeutic coping mechanism. 

Signing Off

Lizzie

New Update??

    I'm exhausted. I just am. I didn't realize not working for the winter break meant that I would essentially shut down. I'm not complaining about it, it's just what's happening. I've completely relaxed and calmed down. I'm happy for once. I mean don't get me wrong, I've had my spurts of anger, but overall I've been happy. I'm blogging more and more. My mind isn't so scrambled and jumbled. My stress levels aren't suffocating me. I guess that's all for now.

Signing Off

 Lizzie

I'm Not Perfect...And I Don't Want to Be

    Honestly, I have a new code to live by. Lily Allen's song, Fuck You. I've never been avid to listening to what people tell me nowadays. At least that's what I've always told myself. Listening to music while attached to a cord is something I'm getting used to and I kind of like it. I've been a stubborn asshole to just about everyone around me, but I do want to change. I like that I'm stubborn, but everyone has their limits and I want to be able to tell the difference between when to be stubborn and when it's not a good idea. 2025 is my year. I know that sounds cliche and outdated, but it's true, I want to grab 2025 by its balls. I want to change. I want a lot of things for next year. I want to get to know myself, I want to get to know God, I want to be healthy, I want to be unapologetically iconic to myself. I'm sick of being predictable and a creature of habit. It's time to make some changes that need to stick. I want a routine. I also want to form habits that stick. I need to stop relying on other people all of the time. I'm not saying to stop completely relying on others, I just need to be able to be accountable for my own actions. 

    I've made a ton of mistakes that I haven't taken responsibility for, but I want that to change. I'll be going to the school's church on Thursdays at 9 pm. I'll be going to the gym at least 2-3 times a week. I'll be going on a calorie deficit diet. I'll be saving money and keep it saved. I'll only say yes to giving money away if it's not in my savings account. Once it's in savings, I can't touch it, or it'll result in a punishment. I won't try to lie and say I'll keep my room clean because I know that probably won't happen. I won't lie and say that I will mess up in my goals for this year, but I WILL be trying my very best to keep my goals in check. This will probably be the best/most difficult year of my life since I'm trying to change a lot at once. I will want to give up most if not all of the time, but that's why I have my accountability friend to help me. I have a lot of plans and I want to keep them. If I'm going to be flying in a plane this year, then I'll need to lose some of this stubborn weight. Even if it's a pound. I love this blog, it's becoming my actual safe space. Especially since no one knows about this account. Even if they do, they have no idea who I am. I want my journey this next year to be recorded somehow and I think this is the safest way. Paper gets damaged and discovered. This may be discovered, but I don't mention people by name, so I don't think it'll be too bad. I know I skip topic to topic, but that's just how my brain works. One minute, I'm pissed and need to diffuse myself  and the next I feel open and light. 

Signing Off

Lizzie

Never-mind, Life Sucks

    I guess I'll start at the start of Friday. My teacher, emailed me to tell me that because of a few minuscule assignments, I may not get a C in his class which bullshit, it's the minimum and I've done most if not all of what he's asked of me. In Capstone, he gave me a rotten score for my presentation just because what I didn't do 15 minutes of talking about my project. I answered the most questions and was first. I hate him and his classes. I'll probably have to take another class to make sure I can graduate on time and for what because he couldn't structure his class properly. I don't expect to be coddled, but those free-writes and the reading responses were crap and unimportant when I have everything going on this semester. I've been overwhelmed and tired. All I wanted was one semester where I wasn't trying to kill everyone and everything in sight. That obviously hasn't happened since I've wanted screamed at just about everyone in my head (of course) to keep myself somewhat sane before I could go home to an apartment filled with roommates who suck. On top of this, a crush on someone I'm not even sure likes me as more than a friend. Crushes really do crush you. My mother thinks I'm off because apparently me liking to be broke isn't normal and she's right it isn't. But, how can I like having money when everyone seems to keep asking me for money. I don't think it's selfish to want to put myself first every now and again. Generally, I never really put myself first unless I'm broke or it means money isn't involved. When I have money, I usually spend it on food or something equivalent to useless. I never save because of this. When I do save, suddenly people (specifically my family), can feel that I have money I'm trying to save and they ask and ask. Once I give them some of the money that I have, then it feels like everything is an emergency. So, food calls my name and I start spending it on food that I don't need. Starting next year, however, changes need to happen. I know I say this all of the time, but my friend will be helping me to go on a calorie deficit. I don't give a shit if this helps me lost weight, I just want to spite my doctors and be able to look myself in the mirror and say I'm doing the best that I can. I'll keep this quiet until I feel I won't go on a bender, which is mostly wishful thinking. I'm giving myself until January 1st to enjoy all pleasures and then I'm done. I'll be watching what I eat and how much I eat. I won't be going over my calorie limit and if I feel that I'm hungry in the middle of the night, I'll drink water. Over break, I'm getting myself used to drinking water as my first source of beverage, so that I'm not going full cold turkey. My last post was really long, so I'll keep this one brief. 

Signing Off

Lizzie

Life Has Been Shit, but it's Getting Better

     I honestly don't know where to start. I guess the beginning would help. All I wanted was one drama free year. Each year that I've been in college, I've had sucky roommates, terrible sleeping habits, and my mental instability. I haven't really wanted to do much of anything except sleep and sometimes eat. I have felt terrible about everything about myself. I'm currently in a relatively good mood which is the best time to write about this stuff. I'm honestly starting to both love and hate living with my current roommates and living in my own room. I've realized that I'm using all of my money to pay for food, so I need a hobby that can substitute for that, so I'm going to trick myself into saving and spending. I just need an account that I have no control over. But, I know I can't let my family have any access to that account because the minute they do, they'll spend it. I think every time I want to spend money on food I'll send that amount to Norkah. That's honestly the best idea I've ever had, I need to buy more water though because I'm out and I need that water to distract me from my want to eat. This is the biggest breakthrough I've ever had. I hope to God I remember it. I just want to skip the next couple of weeks and go straight to my next semester. 

    So, update: I lied. next year is apparently going to be my kickoff to my new chapter. IT'S NOT MY RESOLUTION!!  I don't believe in resolutions, they don't work and I'm not participating in them. 2025 is my year to reinvent myself.  I am going to fix all of the things I don't like about myself and I intend to spite my doctors. I know that's not ideal, but if it helps, then so be it. I also met with my proedge advisor and she helped clear up a lot of the stresses that I've had. I'm moving to East Hall after Winter Break which is amazing and I'm so excited. Ive been in a little of a debate with myself. I can't decide if I want to work this break or not. If I work, I'll have to use a big chunk of my money to get to and fro from work to home and vice versa. I also don't want my parents and sisters to be inconvenienced my  lack of a car. If I don't work, I can relax and sleep. I honestly don't know why I'm even debating this, the obvious answer is to not work. But, I know if I don't work, I don't have money, but let's be honest, that money would be too tempting to use while I'm in school, I'll just wait until semester and I'll save at least a small sum of money. I can spend $100 from my check, no questions, but the rest of my money goes into savings and I don't touch it. If I do, then I will receive a punishment. I will outline my punishments depending on what I spend my savings money on. The worst thing is if I spend it on food that I don't need. I can only spend that savings money if I dying. I know this seems extreme, but if I don't say it like this, I won't take myself seriously. I want to change for the year that I graduate and turn 21. I don't want them to be small changes either, I want them to be small yet life changing. Honestly, even though my finals are this week, I have never felt calmer. Next semester, I officially only have classes on Tuesday. For my online classes, it will depend on when my assignments are due that I'll actually have class. I'm hoping to spread it out. I want to be able to relax this semester as much as I can muster. 

    In other news, I'm pretty sure I have a crush on someone which is concerning. I won't mention her by name, just in case she wants to read this because I'll want to share it with her. She's my friend and yet I really like her. I can't tell if I like her as a friend or as more. I also have no idea if I should tell her or not. If I tell her, I might ruin the one friendship this semester that hasn't made me feel like this semester was a total bust. If I don't tell her, will these feelings ever go away. The only other time that I've felt like this was Nalani and I broke my own heart. I've finally started to get over her and this new girl has been an amazing addition in my life. She's been a rock in my life and she's been someone that I've been able to talk to without judgement. With most of my other friends, I'm either on eggshells or I feel like I'm never being completely honest. I also can't tell if I like her as a friend or as more. When it came to Nalani, that was complicated and unnerving. I always went back and forth if I liked her as more. Both Nalani and this new girl are into girls, so I didn't have to worry about liking a straight girl. This new girl, it feels like I'm being sent mixed signals. Sometimes it feels like I know she's flirting, so I want to tell her I like her and then other times, it feels like I'm just a friend to her. I want this girl in my life for a long time and I don't want some crush to ruin my new friendship with her. I also don't want to wait too long and all she'll see me as is a friend. I'm confused as hell and have no idea what to do. I smile when I text her, I'm both anxious yet excited when I'm about to see her. It sounds cliche and cringy, but I have butterflies in my stomach. I've checked the time so often and looked for her so much while sitting today, that I feel almost like a stalker. When I like a guy, I never get this way. I usually automatically know or think they are unattainable or they just won't like me, so I give up before I even properly start to like them. With girls, I never know what their thinking and if they like me or not. I know this new crush likes me, I just don't know in what way. I'm seeing her today, and the only thing I can think of doing is confessing to her and possibly ruining my friendship. Maybe I should test the waters. Start out with a hypothetical and then flirt. Or at least try to flirt. I'm only good at flirting when I'm texting. In person, I'm introverted and usually keep my thought to myself unless I know the person. And even then that's a coin flip. 

    In other news, I'm both looking forward to going home and yet not looking forward to it at all. I get to be away from my roommates on one hand. On the other hand, my family can be a lot and everyone's there, so there's some issue with that. I'll probably end up splitting my time in half. Half of it at home and the other half in school. I don't know which half will be spent where, but I think that's how I'll keep my sanity. I'm also not wanting to get a job because I know the minute my check hits, I'll have my family asking me for money. I don't want that to happen. I'd rather be broke than have to share my money. That sounds horrible and selfish, but my money has never just been mine. It's always someone else's. I want that to change. I want to be able to say no to someone and stay firm on it. 

    Anyway, I'll post here at least more often than I have, even if it's just a sentence. 

Signing Off

Lizzie