Adulting is HARD!!!!!!

  I'm going to be honest with you, adulting sucks!! I hate and love being an adult. As you may know, I'm graduating in about a month. It's been a stressful yet relaxing second semester. I've finally accepted the fact that I'm okay with not knowing what I want to do with my life. I've accepted that I don't really give a damn about what I do career wise. I have realized that I want to buy a house at some point in my 30s. I've realized that when I do get my apartment after I save x amount of money, that I want to live on my own and for a little while, I don't want a whole ton of people coming over. I want a two bed and two bath because I have this pet peeve where I don't mind when I use the same bathroom as other people, but if the shower is dirty or if the toilet is absolutely disgusting, I won't go near that bathroom until it's clean. Sometimes, I'll just clean it and then use the bathroom, but if I know I'm not the one dirtying it up, I'll stop cleaning it so the other person can get the message clear, CLEAN THE FUCKING BATHROOM!!! It's really not that hard, even doing the bare minimum and cleaning the toilet to make sure the next person isn't sitting on a ring of pee. Or cleaning the shower's floor to make sure, there's no dirt or hair to make sure a person isn't stepping in your filth. Honestly, I need to move on because I'm getting mad just thinking about it. I could go on and on about it, so I have a solution. I don't care about a lot of things for my apartment, but I WILL NOT SHARE MY BATHROOM WITH ANYONE. 

       Anyway, I'm excited for my first big girl apartment, since I've moved to a new building this semester, I've learned what it's like to be by myself without isolating myself from everyone around me. It's been amazing. I love it. I love that I can listen to music as loud as I want. I love that I can watch my shows without giving a shit about my neighbors since I don't have any. I love that I live on the top floor. I did have a ladybug issue for a little while, but I got rid of that problem and have had no issues since. I've cooked so much since I've moved and I feel so much happier because I LOOOVE COOKING!!! I also have wanted to start baking (like a serious baker). I want to start making things from scratch and making things homemade like bread and jams. I'm so excited for this new chapter in my life. I'm excited to be single. I'm excited to do single life things. I'm excited to travel (both alone and with friends). I'm excited to have my first car. I'm so excited for a lot of new things that's happening after my stupid graduation. All I wanna do for my grad night is go to be left alone and have a solo day/date with myself. For the first in a while, I'm happy, I think. Then again, I also hate people and the fact that they have mouths. But that's a story for another time.

Signing Off

Lizzie

Finally!!

    I feel like who I am is better off with people at a distance. I thought I could rely on someone other than myself while I'm in the process of looking for an apartment and then she turns and stabs me in the back. My other sister doesn't even like the pay her bills on time and yet she thinks she's better than me. She thinks that just because she's older that makes her wiser which is BULLSHIT. Age doesn't make you wise, supposedly experience does, but that's not the case for her. She continues to do the same thing over and over and over again that she's made impossible for herself to get a place without the help of someone else. At this rate, she'll have to rely on her smart-mouthed son to turn 18 before she can move out of her mother's house. The sister who stabbed me in the back, I'm apparently supposed to forgive, but why? Why should I always be the one to forgive and forget when it comes to their mess ups. I've forgiven their SHIT for my entire life. I don't have older sisters, I have two people who continue to mess up and I'm expected to pick up the pieces of my heart AGAIN  and forgive AGAIN. I'm sick of it. I thought when I first picked up my broken heart from those two, forgave, and let them more into my life, it would be better. But I was the fool. Fool me once am I right? I'm a docile, angry person, who is getting angrier by the second with every word I'm typing. This blog has been a lifeline, but I'm finally figuring myself out and now this. Honestly, that's the least of my problems, I only have to deal with them one day a week and then I can go home, at least for a few more months. I'm pretty sure that was my way of another pity party. I thought I was over this, but my mother brought that anger rushing back. 

    I'm now deep cleaning my room and attempting to read this crappy book. Let's focus on the crappy book for a minute. I've had the displeasure of reading this poetry book that I just don't vibe with. Everyone else in my class who has to read this book is singing it's praises, but I just don't get it. I can't find a single fuck that I can give this book. I'm sick of lying that I like this book or at least pretending that I can tolerate it. I can also admit on here that I also hate the class itself. Everyone except my friend in the class has their head stuck up their asses. They truly suck. All they do is talk like pretentious assholes from New York. I mean they are Creative writing majors. I'm just trying to get through this class and graduate. Graduating is another thing that I'm definitely dreading. Don't get me wrong, I want to get the diploma, but that's it. I don't want anything else. I don't want attention, or a party or anything like it. I want the attention to go to my brother whose graduating high school. If I could, I would hold off on graduating at the same time as him, but that's not in the cards for me. I just want to unwind with the show that I'm watching at the time or to have a movie marathon, ALONE. Have some snacks that I allotted myself in my calorie deficit and then go to sleep. That sounds like the perfect graduation present. I'm being told to think about it for a few months and then decide, but I know myself. The only other thing I'd want to do is get a hotel room for a weekend and stay there ALONE.

    I'm having a lot of problems right now and this is my only safe venting space where I can let everything out without judgement. I guess the only other thing that I wanna talk about is the Leigh and Gabe situation that they've put me in the middle of. Leigh came to me first and told me how his relationship is going down the drain. I became a therapist for Gabe for two hours yesterday and then Leigh got all angry with me after leaving Gabe with me. Did he expect us not to talk? I mean for me I wanted to put my headphones back on and work on my assignment, but I thought it would be rude if I did. Being nice bit me in the ass. Whether you are nice just because it's the right thing, doesn't mean you should. Because for me, I ended up in the middle, which isn't a place I like to be. I HATE  being in the middle, it's tiring and eventually they both turn on you and hopefully I'll get a break from them both and they'll fix it by themselves by they're mutual anger with me. Thankfully, though I think that will come sooner than I thought, I hope so anyway. I need a break. I like listening to other people's problems because it makes me feel special that they decided to talk to me. It does. But in this particular situation, I think it's best if I tell them both to talk to each other and leave me out of it. Or I say nothing and let it work itself out naturally. 

    Anyways that's been my life since the last time I've posted, now that I'm at little more adjusted to life ad school, I'll hopefully be posting a little more regularly.

Signing Off

Lizzie

I Hate My Family...A Lot

     I need to not kill my family. My anger has been constant since I came back home for break. I want to kill my family and I can't. I need to get away. I need a break from my family. I want to sleep for long periods of time without judgement. I want to be warm. I want to change the temperature without it affecting everything. I'm going on this new diet/lifestyle and because my family aren't all doing it, they eat what they want and I have to take it. I've been only drinking water constantly. I'm staying farrrr away from sweets, all other foods are on the table until I start working again. However, I can only have those foods if I portion them. I've only had one meal a day since the year started and water along with it. I'm sick of the jokes about my weight and my sleeping and everything else. I'm just so tired of all of this shit. I miss my bubble when I'm in school. I miss it so much. I miss the fact that I could do whatever I wanted while not going crazy at the same time. I love my family, but I need space from them. A LOT OF SPACE. I wanna go back to isolating myself and contacting them whenever. My nephew seems to say whatever he wants to and no one tells him otherwise. He says offensive things and he's spoiled rotten and he pisses me off. He calls me fat and slow and anything else he gets away with. I'm pissed off and ready to go anywhere except here. Everyone here doesn't give a shit about anything. I'm done. I'm done yelling, fighting, and everything else. I'm not going to continue to yell or fuss anymore because all I'll get is a response that's sarcastic or just a remark and I'm done. They can do whatever they want because I'm also done caring. I'm not gonna yell about them closing a god damn door that's not that FUCKING hard to close. Or the screen door that doesn't close on it's own. I'm done. I'm no longer helping with anything else that doesn't apply to me or I'm not being paid for. Everyone is on their own. They can go FUCK THEMSELVES because I'm done. 

Signing Off

Lizzie

Life is Lifeing

    It's been a looong few days. I just want to sleep forever right now. I've been wrapping presents and at first I was okay with it because I was successful the first time and now I'm tired. I've been binging on Gossip Girl and I've fallen in love with the show while also hating the show. I can't love just one or more characters because overall they all suck. There is so much drama within one episode that I can't even. Right now I'm in season 4 and it's so dramatic. I've been cooped up in my home for far too long. I'm driving myself insane in here. If anyone other than me reads this, please get me out of this house, away from these people. I've ordered a ton of things from Amazon and have decided to finally take action in my life. I think I may even be ready to give an old flame a chance. I know I might get my heart broken, but I think I'll be okay, eventually. I have a great support system and God is a part of that system. I know I may say this a ton, but I'm ready to commit my life to him. For the first time since I've said that, I mean it. God is my teacher and I am forever going to be his student. I'm so excited for this upcoming year. I can't wait to change everything for the good. I have two great mentors, I'm moving and graduating. I have a plan that starts next week. In January, I plan to start my weight-loss journey. I know it sounds like a resolution, BUT it's not. It's my new lifestyle, and for a new lifestyle, it'll need money to afford it and I don't go back to my on-campus job until January. So, that's the only reason, I'm stalling my new cleanse. Discipline is going to be the hardest thing I'll do this upcoming year. This blog has become my new favorite thing to do. When I need to think things through, I blog, when I'm irritated and angry, I blog, when I'm happy and upbeat, I blog. Blogging is going to be my new therapeutic coping mechanism. 

Signing Off

Lizzie

New Update??

    I'm exhausted. I just am. I didn't realize not working for the winter break meant that I would essentially shut down. I'm not complaining about it, it's just what's happening. I've completely relaxed and calmed down. I'm happy for once. I mean don't get me wrong, I've had my spurts of anger, but overall I've been happy. I'm blogging more and more. My mind isn't so scrambled and jumbled. My stress levels aren't suffocating me. I guess that's all for now.

Signing Off

 Lizzie

I'm Not Perfect...And I Don't Want to Be

    Honestly, I have a new code to live by. Lily Allen's song, Fuck You. I've never been avid to listening to what people tell me nowadays. At least that's what I've always told myself. Listening to music while attached to a cord is something I'm getting used to and I kind of like it. I've been a stubborn asshole to just about everyone around me, but I do want to change. I like that I'm stubborn, but everyone has their limits and I want to be able to tell the difference between when to be stubborn and when it's not a good idea. 2025 is my year. I know that sounds cliche and outdated, but it's true, I want to grab 2025 by its balls. I want to change. I want a lot of things for next year. I want to get to know myself, I want to get to know God, I want to be healthy, I want to be unapologetically iconic to myself. I'm sick of being predictable and a creature of habit. It's time to make some changes that need to stick. I want a routine. I also want to form habits that stick. I need to stop relying on other people all of the time. I'm not saying to stop completely relying on others, I just need to be able to be accountable for my own actions. 

    I've made a ton of mistakes that I haven't taken responsibility for, but I want that to change. I'll be going to the school's church on Thursdays at 9 pm. I'll be going to the gym at least 2-3 times a week. I'll be going on a calorie deficit diet. I'll be saving money and keep it saved. I'll only say yes to giving money away if it's not in my savings account. Once it's in savings, I can't touch it, or it'll result in a punishment. I won't try to lie and say I'll keep my room clean because I know that probably won't happen. I won't lie and say that I will mess up in my goals for this year, but I WILL be trying my very best to keep my goals in check. This will probably be the best/most difficult year of my life since I'm trying to change a lot at once. I will want to give up most if not all of the time, but that's why I have my accountability friend to help me. I have a lot of plans and I want to keep them. If I'm going to be flying in a plane this year, then I'll need to lose some of this stubborn weight. Even if it's a pound. I love this blog, it's becoming my actual safe space. Especially since no one knows about this account. Even if they do, they have no idea who I am. I want my journey this next year to be recorded somehow and I think this is the safest way. Paper gets damaged and discovered. This may be discovered, but I don't mention people by name, so I don't think it'll be too bad. I know I skip topic to topic, but that's just how my brain works. One minute, I'm pissed and need to diffuse myself  and the next I feel open and light. 

Signing Off

Lizzie

Never-mind, Life Sucks

    I guess I'll start at the start of Friday. My teacher, emailed me to tell me that because of a few minuscule assignments, I may not get a C in his class which bullshit, it's the minimum and I've done most if not all of what he's asked of me. In Capstone, he gave me a rotten score for my presentation just because what I didn't do 15 minutes of talking about my project. I answered the most questions and was first. I hate him and his classes. I'll probably have to take another class to make sure I can graduate on time and for what because he couldn't structure his class properly. I don't expect to be coddled, but those free-writes and the reading responses were crap and unimportant when I have everything going on this semester. I've been overwhelmed and tired. All I wanted was one semester where I wasn't trying to kill everyone and everything in sight. That obviously hasn't happened since I've wanted screamed at just about everyone in my head (of course) to keep myself somewhat sane before I could go home to an apartment filled with roommates who suck. On top of this, a crush on someone I'm not even sure likes me as more than a friend. Crushes really do crush you. My mother thinks I'm off because apparently me liking to be broke isn't normal and she's right it isn't. But, how can I like having money when everyone seems to keep asking me for money. I don't think it's selfish to want to put myself first every now and again. Generally, I never really put myself first unless I'm broke or it means money isn't involved. When I have money, I usually spend it on food or something equivalent to useless. I never save because of this. When I do save, suddenly people (specifically my family), can feel that I have money I'm trying to save and they ask and ask. Once I give them some of the money that I have, then it feels like everything is an emergency. So, food calls my name and I start spending it on food that I don't need. Starting next year, however, changes need to happen. I know I say this all of the time, but my friend will be helping me to go on a calorie deficit. I don't give a shit if this helps me lost weight, I just want to spite my doctors and be able to look myself in the mirror and say I'm doing the best that I can. I'll keep this quiet until I feel I won't go on a bender, which is mostly wishful thinking. I'm giving myself until January 1st to enjoy all pleasures and then I'm done. I'll be watching what I eat and how much I eat. I won't be going over my calorie limit and if I feel that I'm hungry in the middle of the night, I'll drink water. Over break, I'm getting myself used to drinking water as my first source of beverage, so that I'm not going full cold turkey. My last post was really long, so I'll keep this one brief. 

Signing Off

Lizzie