2026...

Hey Everyone! I'm depressed. I've known that for awhile, but not having a job and only being at my parents' house for nearly a year without college is a lot more challenging than I thought and it's weighing on me. Before I had home, school, work, and church. Now, all I have is home and church. I HATE the church that I go to. the people, the talking to the people, everything else. I don't know what I want to do, not really. I was supposed to figure that out during college, but now I don't know what to do.  I also now have my own room, no more brothers, no more sisters, just and my depression. I'm happy, but I just want a job!

Signing Off

Lizzie

A Few Months Later...

     Hi Guys! I know I've been a ghost, but my laptop basically said to go fuck myself and not work after I got back from vacation and a lot of other stuff has also happened that my attention has been elsewhere. I was just looking through my last post and thought I sounded so hopeful and not as completely and utterly devastated about life. I got a job for about three weeks and then suddenly fired for God only know what reason, since I was always on time and did the jobs that no one else wanted to. But we moved on. I'm now working at Michaels (I know it's a step down from what I wanted, but jobs just do not want to hire anybody). I also got this job as a security guard, I'm just waiting for my new boss to put my background check in. I've been in and out of depression episodes. My little sister has been pushing my buttons, but I can finally see light at the end of the tunnel since my parents have moved her to the loft. I'll now be sharing with my brother who is currently in college which means that for now, I have my own room. I have tomorrow off, so I'm going to be throwing away everything that is obstructing my way out of my room. 

    For my next check, I have a few ideas of what I want to use it for. Once I start at the security guard job, I'll have a little more wiggle room, but now much since most of it will be for savings. I think my Amazon purchases are going to be saved for my security guard job and for savings. My Michaels job will be for groceries, solo dates, etc. This upcoming paycheck, I want to spend a little less on groceries, and I want to go to the movies, preferably on a Wednesday night. I don't even care what movie it is, I miss going to the movies. I have decided that next fall, I'm going to Grad School. I don't know where yet, I need to get accepted somewhere first. I'm hoping for University of North Carolina, but anywhere outside of Indiana is what I'm going for. I need a break, and I need/want to get away. I think it's going to be for the better. However, wherever God wants/needs me to be, I'll be there. Until the time I post, hopefully it won't be so long this time, fingers crossed.

Signing Off

Lizzie

I've Graduated?!?!

     Hi Everyone! It's been a crazy couple of weeks and I'm now done. I've finished college and now I'm back home. My dorm at school isn't packed up at all, but that'll get done by Friday, hopefully. I can't tell if I'm happy or not now that I'm done. All I want to do now is get my room at home clean, so I can move my stuff in and then start my plan to fix myself. I'll be so honest with you, I haven't done shit the first week back home. I haven't wanted to, however, my sister has made our room a living nightmare, so while she's away at school today, I'll be cleaning it. Afterwards, I'll be getting all of my stuff from my dorm with the help of my father and brothers and then cleaning the rest of he room. I'm hoping to get the rest of the house clean and kept clean by the end of summer so that the boys room will be mine and I can FINALLY have my peace back. Now that school is over, I have no more excuses. Once I get a job that doesn't suck too much, I'll be starting actually meal prepping and exercising. I'll also be posting here as much as I remember to, but no promises. I also will be restarting my spirituality class. I'll be starting these projects one at a time though, so I don't get overwhelmed.  

Signing Off

Lizzie

Grateful

 Hi, Guys!

    I have never felt better than I have right now. I guess the only thing I'm getting a little stressed over is the fact that I need to throw all of my clothes away. My clothes are itchy and uncomfortable since I had to learn what it means to wash my clothes. Now that I know how to properly wash my clothes, these clothes have to go. More importantly, polyester is uncomfortable on skin and should never be made. I'll have to sort through all of my clothes after washing all of them and then try them out to see if I can continue to wear them. My clothing style is changing and I definitely need clothes to match my new look. I'm needing more professional clothing for work, casual for everyday use, churchy kind of clothes, etc. I'm also dressing in color more often nowadays. 

    My life has made a complete 180 since last semester. I have a lot of people to thank for it, but most importantly to thank God. He helped through those tough times, and helped me through it all even when I couldn't see a way out. I've been pretty terrible to him for most of my childhood and my adulthood because of the people in the church and my own mistakes. I've him to thank for so much in my life, he's been an anchor in my life and I could not be more thankful to him. Even when I don't always say ir or act like it, I love him and thank him for everything he's done for me. I don't know where I'll be in a few short weeks or in the future, but I do know that he'll always be there for me. 

Signing Off

Lizzie

Adulting is HARD!!!!!!

  I'm going to be honest with you, adulting sucks!! I hate and love being an adult. As you may know, I'm graduating in about a month. It's been a stressful yet relaxing second semester. I've finally accepted the fact that I'm okay with not knowing what I want to do with my life. I've accepted that I don't really give a damn about what I do career wise. I have realized that I want to buy a house at some point in my 30s. I've realized that when I do get my apartment after I save x amount of money, that I want to live on my own and for a little while, I don't want a whole ton of people coming over. I want a two bed and two bath because I have this pet peeve where I don't mind when I use the same bathroom as other people, but if the shower is dirty or if the toilet is absolutely disgusting, I won't go near that bathroom until it's clean. Sometimes, I'll just clean it and then use the bathroom, but if I know I'm not the one dirtying it up, I'll stop cleaning it so the other person can get the message clear, CLEAN THE FUCKING BATHROOM!!! It's really not that hard, even doing the bare minimum and cleaning the toilet to make sure the next person isn't sitting on a ring of pee. Or cleaning the shower's floor to make sure, there's no dirt or hair to make sure a person isn't stepping in your filth. Honestly, I need to move on because I'm getting mad just thinking about it. I could go on and on about it, so I have a solution. I don't care about a lot of things for my apartment, but I WILL NOT SHARE MY BATHROOM WITH ANYONE. 

       Anyway, I'm excited for my first big girl apartment, since I've moved to a new building this semester, I've learned what it's like to be by myself without isolating myself from everyone around me. It's been amazing. I love it. I love that I can listen to music as loud as I want. I love that I can watch my shows without giving a shit about my neighbors since I don't have any. I love that I live on the top floor. I did have a ladybug issue for a little while, but I got rid of that problem and have had no issues since. I've cooked so much since I've moved and I feel so much happier because I LOOOVE COOKING!!! I also have wanted to start baking (like a serious baker). I want to start making things from scratch and making things homemade like bread and jams. I'm so excited for this new chapter in my life. I'm excited to be single. I'm excited to do single life things. I'm excited to travel (both alone and with friends). I'm excited to have my first car. I'm so excited for a lot of new things that's happening after my stupid graduation. All I wanna do for my grad night is go to be left alone and have a solo day/date with myself. For the first in a while, I'm happy, I think. Then again, I also hate people and the fact that they have mouths. But that's a story for another time.

Signing Off

Lizzie

Finally!!

    I feel like who I am is better off with people at a distance. I thought I could rely on someone other than myself while I'm in the process of looking for an apartment and then she turns and stabs me in the back. My other sister doesn't even like the pay her bills on time and yet she thinks she's better than me. She thinks that just because she's older that makes her wiser which is BULLSHIT. Age doesn't make you wise, supposedly experience does, but that's not the case for her. She continues to do the same thing over and over and over again that she's made impossible for herself to get a place without the help of someone else. At this rate, she'll have to rely on her smart-mouthed son to turn 18 before she can move out of her mother's house. The sister who stabbed me in the back, I'm apparently supposed to forgive, but why? Why should I always be the one to forgive and forget when it comes to their mess ups. I've forgiven their SHIT for my entire life. I don't have older sisters, I have two people who continue to mess up and I'm expected to pick up the pieces of my heart AGAIN  and forgive AGAIN. I'm sick of it. I thought when I first picked up my broken heart from those two, forgave, and let them more into my life, it would be better. But I was the fool. Fool me once am I right? I'm a docile, angry person, who is getting angrier by the second with every word I'm typing. This blog has been a lifeline, but I'm finally figuring myself out and now this. Honestly, that's the least of my problems, I only have to deal with them one day a week and then I can go home, at least for a few more months. I'm pretty sure that was my way of another pity party. I thought I was over this, but my mother brought that anger rushing back. 

    I'm now deep cleaning my room and attempting to read this crappy book. Let's focus on the crappy book for a minute. I've had the displeasure of reading this poetry book that I just don't vibe with. Everyone else in my class who has to read this book is singing it's praises, but I just don't get it. I can't find a single fuck that I can give this book. I'm sick of lying that I like this book or at least pretending that I can tolerate it. I can also admit on here that I also hate the class itself. Everyone except my friend in the class has their head stuck up their asses. They truly suck. All they do is talk like pretentious assholes from New York. I mean they are Creative writing majors. I'm just trying to get through this class and graduate. Graduating is another thing that I'm definitely dreading. Don't get me wrong, I want to get the diploma, but that's it. I don't want anything else. I don't want attention, or a party or anything like it. I want the attention to go to my brother whose graduating high school. If I could, I would hold off on graduating at the same time as him, but that's not in the cards for me. I just want to unwind with the show that I'm watching at the time or to have a movie marathon, ALONE. Have some snacks that I allotted myself in my calorie deficit and then go to sleep. That sounds like the perfect graduation present. I'm being told to think about it for a few months and then decide, but I know myself. The only other thing I'd want to do is get a hotel room for a weekend and stay there ALONE.

    I'm having a lot of problems right now and this is my only safe venting space where I can let everything out without judgement. I guess the only other thing that I wanna talk about is the Leigh and Gabe situation that they've put me in the middle of. Leigh came to me first and told me how his relationship is going down the drain. I became a therapist for Gabe for two hours yesterday and then Leigh got all angry with me after leaving Gabe with me. Did he expect us not to talk? I mean for me I wanted to put my headphones back on and work on my assignment, but I thought it would be rude if I did. Being nice bit me in the ass. Whether you are nice just because it's the right thing, doesn't mean you should. Because for me, I ended up in the middle, which isn't a place I like to be. I HATE  being in the middle, it's tiring and eventually they both turn on you and hopefully I'll get a break from them both and they'll fix it by themselves by they're mutual anger with me. Thankfully, though I think that will come sooner than I thought, I hope so anyway. I need a break. I like listening to other people's problems because it makes me feel special that they decided to talk to me. It does. But in this particular situation, I think it's best if I tell them both to talk to each other and leave me out of it. Or I say nothing and let it work itself out naturally. 

    Anyways that's been my life since the last time I've posted, now that I'm at little more adjusted to life ad school, I'll hopefully be posting a little more regularly.

Signing Off

Lizzie

I Hate My Family...A Lot

     I need to not kill my family. My anger has been constant since I came back home for break. I want to kill my family and I can't. I need to get away. I need a break from my family. I want to sleep for long periods of time without judgement. I want to be warm. I want to change the temperature without it affecting everything. I'm going on this new diet/lifestyle and because my family aren't all doing it, they eat what they want and I have to take it. I've been only drinking water constantly. I'm staying farrrr away from sweets, all other foods are on the table until I start working again. However, I can only have those foods if I portion them. I've only had one meal a day since the year started and water along with it. I'm sick of the jokes about my weight and my sleeping and everything else. I'm just so tired of all of this shit. I miss my bubble when I'm in school. I miss it so much. I miss the fact that I could do whatever I wanted while not going crazy at the same time. I love my family, but I need space from them. A LOT OF SPACE. I wanna go back to isolating myself and contacting them whenever. My nephew seems to say whatever he wants to and no one tells him otherwise. He says offensive things and he's spoiled rotten and he pisses me off. He calls me fat and slow and anything else he gets away with. I'm pissed off and ready to go anywhere except here. Everyone here doesn't give a shit about anything. I'm done. I'm done yelling, fighting, and everything else. I'm not going to continue to yell or fuss anymore because all I'll get is a response that's sarcastic or just a remark and I'm done. They can do whatever they want because I'm also done caring. I'm not gonna yell about them closing a god damn door that's not that FUCKING hard to close. Or the screen door that doesn't close on it's own. I'm done. I'm no longer helping with anything else that doesn't apply to me or I'm not being paid for. Everyone is on their own. They can go FUCK THEMSELVES because I'm done. 

Signing Off

Lizzie

Life is Lifeing

    It's been a looong few days. I just want to sleep forever right now. I've been wrapping presents and at first I was okay with it because I was successful the first time and now I'm tired. I've been binging on Gossip Girl and I've fallen in love with the show while also hating the show. I can't love just one or more characters because overall they all suck. There is so much drama within one episode that I can't even. Right now I'm in season 4 and it's so dramatic. I've been cooped up in my home for far too long. I'm driving myself insane in here. If anyone other than me reads this, please get me out of this house, away from these people. I've ordered a ton of things from Amazon and have decided to finally take action in my life. I think I may even be ready to give an old flame a chance. I know I might get my heart broken, but I think I'll be okay, eventually. I have a great support system and God is a part of that system. I know I may say this a ton, but I'm ready to commit my life to him. For the first time since I've said that, I mean it. God is my teacher and I am forever going to be his student. I'm so excited for this upcoming year. I can't wait to change everything for the good. I have two great mentors, I'm moving and graduating. I have a plan that starts next week. In January, I plan to start my weight-loss journey. I know it sounds like a resolution, BUT it's not. It's my new lifestyle, and for a new lifestyle, it'll need money to afford it and I don't go back to my on-campus job until January. So, that's the only reason, I'm stalling my new cleanse. Discipline is going to be the hardest thing I'll do this upcoming year. This blog has become my new favorite thing to do. When I need to think things through, I blog, when I'm irritated and angry, I blog, when I'm happy and upbeat, I blog. Blogging is going to be my new therapeutic coping mechanism. 

Signing Off

Lizzie

New Update??

    I'm exhausted. I just am. I didn't realize not working for the winter break meant that I would essentially shut down. I'm not complaining about it, it's just what's happening. I've completely relaxed and calmed down. I'm happy for once. I mean don't get me wrong, I've had my spurts of anger, but overall I've been happy. I'm blogging more and more. My mind isn't so scrambled and jumbled. My stress levels aren't suffocating me. I guess that's all for now.

Signing Off

 Lizzie

I'm Not Perfect...And I Don't Want to Be

    Honestly, I have a new code to live by. Lily Allen's song, Fuck You. I've never been avid to listening to what people tell me nowadays. At least that's what I've always told myself. Listening to music while attached to a cord is something I'm getting used to and I kind of like it. I've been a stubborn asshole to just about everyone around me, but I do want to change. I like that I'm stubborn, but everyone has their limits and I want to be able to tell the difference between when to be stubborn and when it's not a good idea. 2025 is my year. I know that sounds cliche and outdated, but it's true, I want to grab 2025 by its balls. I want to change. I want a lot of things for next year. I want to get to know myself, I want to get to know God, I want to be healthy, I want to be unapologetically iconic to myself. I'm sick of being predictable and a creature of habit. It's time to make some changes that need to stick. I want a routine. I also want to form habits that stick. I need to stop relying on other people all of the time. I'm not saying to stop completely relying on others, I just need to be able to be accountable for my own actions. 

    I've made a ton of mistakes that I haven't taken responsibility for, but I want that to change. I'll be going to the school's church on Thursdays at 9 pm. I'll be going to the gym at least 2-3 times a week. I'll be going on a calorie deficit diet. I'll be saving money and keep it saved. I'll only say yes to giving money away if it's not in my savings account. Once it's in savings, I can't touch it, or it'll result in a punishment. I won't try to lie and say I'll keep my room clean because I know that probably won't happen. I won't lie and say that I will mess up in my goals for this year, but I WILL be trying my very best to keep my goals in check. This will probably be the best/most difficult year of my life since I'm trying to change a lot at once. I will want to give up most if not all of the time, but that's why I have my accountability friend to help me. I have a lot of plans and I want to keep them. If I'm going to be flying in a plane this year, then I'll need to lose some of this stubborn weight. Even if it's a pound. I love this blog, it's becoming my actual safe space. Especially since no one knows about this account. Even if they do, they have no idea who I am. I want my journey this next year to be recorded somehow and I think this is the safest way. Paper gets damaged and discovered. This may be discovered, but I don't mention people by name, so I don't think it'll be too bad. I know I skip topic to topic, but that's just how my brain works. One minute, I'm pissed and need to diffuse myself  and the next I feel open and light. 

Signing Off

Lizzie

Never-mind, Life Sucks

    I guess I'll start at the start of Friday. My teacher, emailed me to tell me that because of a few minuscule assignments, I may not get a C in his class which bullshit, it's the minimum and I've done most if not all of what he's asked of me. In Capstone, he gave me a rotten score for my presentation just because what I didn't do 15 minutes of talking about my project. I answered the most questions and was first. I hate him and his classes. I'll probably have to take another class to make sure I can graduate on time and for what because he couldn't structure his class properly. I don't expect to be coddled, but those free-writes and the reading responses were crap and unimportant when I have everything going on this semester. I've been overwhelmed and tired. All I wanted was one semester where I wasn't trying to kill everyone and everything in sight. That obviously hasn't happened since I've wanted screamed at just about everyone in my head (of course) to keep myself somewhat sane before I could go home to an apartment filled with roommates who suck. On top of this, a crush on someone I'm not even sure likes me as more than a friend. Crushes really do crush you. My mother thinks I'm off because apparently me liking to be broke isn't normal and she's right it isn't. But, how can I like having money when everyone seems to keep asking me for money. I don't think it's selfish to want to put myself first every now and again. Generally, I never really put myself first unless I'm broke or it means money isn't involved. When I have money, I usually spend it on food or something equivalent to useless. I never save because of this. When I do save, suddenly people (specifically my family), can feel that I have money I'm trying to save and they ask and ask. Once I give them some of the money that I have, then it feels like everything is an emergency. So, food calls my name and I start spending it on food that I don't need. Starting next year, however, changes need to happen. I know I say this all of the time, but my friend will be helping me to go on a calorie deficit. I don't give a shit if this helps me lost weight, I just want to spite my doctors and be able to look myself in the mirror and say I'm doing the best that I can. I'll keep this quiet until I feel I won't go on a bender, which is mostly wishful thinking. I'm giving myself until January 1st to enjoy all pleasures and then I'm done. I'll be watching what I eat and how much I eat. I won't be going over my calorie limit and if I feel that I'm hungry in the middle of the night, I'll drink water. Over break, I'm getting myself used to drinking water as my first source of beverage, so that I'm not going full cold turkey. My last post was really long, so I'll keep this one brief. 

Signing Off

Lizzie

Life Has Been Shit, but it's Getting Better

     I honestly don't know where to start. I guess the beginning would help. All I wanted was one drama free year. Each year that I've been in college, I've had sucky roommates, terrible sleeping habits, and my mental instability. I haven't really wanted to do much of anything except sleep and sometimes eat. I have felt terrible about everything about myself. I'm currently in a relatively good mood which is the best time to write about this stuff. I'm honestly starting to both love and hate living with my current roommates and living in my own room. I've realized that I'm using all of my money to pay for food, so I need a hobby that can substitute for that, so I'm going to trick myself into saving and spending. I just need an account that I have no control over. But, I know I can't let my family have any access to that account because the minute they do, they'll spend it. I think every time I want to spend money on food I'll send that amount to Norkah. That's honestly the best idea I've ever had, I need to buy more water though because I'm out and I need that water to distract me from my want to eat. This is the biggest breakthrough I've ever had. I hope to God I remember it. I just want to skip the next couple of weeks and go straight to my next semester. 

    So, update: I lied. next year is apparently going to be my kickoff to my new chapter. IT'S NOT MY RESOLUTION!!  I don't believe in resolutions, they don't work and I'm not participating in them. 2025 is my year to reinvent myself.  I am going to fix all of the things I don't like about myself and I intend to spite my doctors. I know that's not ideal, but if it helps, then so be it. I also met with my proedge advisor and she helped clear up a lot of the stresses that I've had. I'm moving to East Hall after Winter Break which is amazing and I'm so excited. Ive been in a little of a debate with myself. I can't decide if I want to work this break or not. If I work, I'll have to use a big chunk of my money to get to and fro from work to home and vice versa. I also don't want my parents and sisters to be inconvenienced my  lack of a car. If I don't work, I can relax and sleep. I honestly don't know why I'm even debating this, the obvious answer is to not work. But, I know if I don't work, I don't have money, but let's be honest, that money would be too tempting to use while I'm in school, I'll just wait until semester and I'll save at least a small sum of money. I can spend $100 from my check, no questions, but the rest of my money goes into savings and I don't touch it. If I do, then I will receive a punishment. I will outline my punishments depending on what I spend my savings money on. The worst thing is if I spend it on food that I don't need. I can only spend that savings money if I dying. I know this seems extreme, but if I don't say it like this, I won't take myself seriously. I want to change for the year that I graduate and turn 21. I don't want them to be small changes either, I want them to be small yet life changing. Honestly, even though my finals are this week, I have never felt calmer. Next semester, I officially only have classes on Tuesday. For my online classes, it will depend on when my assignments are due that I'll actually have class. I'm hoping to spread it out. I want to be able to relax this semester as much as I can muster. 

    In other news, I'm pretty sure I have a crush on someone which is concerning. I won't mention her by name, just in case she wants to read this because I'll want to share it with her. She's my friend and yet I really like her. I can't tell if I like her as a friend or as more. I also have no idea if I should tell her or not. If I tell her, I might ruin the one friendship this semester that hasn't made me feel like this semester was a total bust. If I don't tell her, will these feelings ever go away. The only other time that I've felt like this was Nalani and I broke my own heart. I've finally started to get over her and this new girl has been an amazing addition in my life. She's been a rock in my life and she's been someone that I've been able to talk to without judgement. With most of my other friends, I'm either on eggshells or I feel like I'm never being completely honest. I also can't tell if I like her as a friend or as more. When it came to Nalani, that was complicated and unnerving. I always went back and forth if I liked her as more. Both Nalani and this new girl are into girls, so I didn't have to worry about liking a straight girl. This new girl, it feels like I'm being sent mixed signals. Sometimes it feels like I know she's flirting, so I want to tell her I like her and then other times, it feels like I'm just a friend to her. I want this girl in my life for a long time and I don't want some crush to ruin my new friendship with her. I also don't want to wait too long and all she'll see me as is a friend. I'm confused as hell and have no idea what to do. I smile when I text her, I'm both anxious yet excited when I'm about to see her. It sounds cliche and cringy, but I have butterflies in my stomach. I've checked the time so often and looked for her so much while sitting today, that I feel almost like a stalker. When I like a guy, I never get this way. I usually automatically know or think they are unattainable or they just won't like me, so I give up before I even properly start to like them. With girls, I never know what their thinking and if they like me or not. I know this new crush likes me, I just don't know in what way. I'm seeing her today, and the only thing I can think of doing is confessing to her and possibly ruining my friendship. Maybe I should test the waters. Start out with a hypothetical and then flirt. Or at least try to flirt. I'm only good at flirting when I'm texting. In person, I'm introverted and usually keep my thought to myself unless I know the person. And even then that's a coin flip. 

    In other news, I'm both looking forward to going home and yet not looking forward to it at all. I get to be away from my roommates on one hand. On the other hand, my family can be a lot and everyone's there, so there's some issue with that. I'll probably end up splitting my time in half. Half of it at home and the other half in school. I don't know which half will be spent where, but I think that's how I'll keep my sanity. I'm also not wanting to get a job because I know the minute my check hits, I'll have my family asking me for money. I don't want that to happen. I'd rather be broke than have to share my money. That sounds horrible and selfish, but my money has never just been mine. It's always someone else's. I want that to change. I want to be able to say no to someone and stay firm on it. 

    Anyway, I'll post here at least more often than I have, even if it's just a sentence. 

Signing Off

Lizzie